Jim's Brain Online

My personal theory is that childrens' toys do not come from Santa Claus. They are not made by elves. My theory is that childrens' toys come directly from Hell and and were designed by Satan.

How else you explain the overwhelming number of electronic toys that do not have an off switch but do have multiple levels of volume?

Or what about the unbelievably large number of toys that really, really hurt when you step on them? Everyone knows about legos, but there's no reason to stop there. When I think about small, painful objects that I might be stepping on at 2 am, I think about Thomas the Tank Engine.

Not only do Thomas and his friends have small pointy bits (the funnel, the dome, the corners of the cab), but they have an added detail that sets them apart from all the others--wheels.

With legos, it just hurts. With Thomas the Tank Engine, you can place your weight in such a way that as you experience the pain you also find that the ground moves beneath your feet. Better, thanks to proper marketing, you will never find Thomas alone. Thomas is accompanied by his many friends, all of whom have wheels.

Thus, if at 2 am you do step on Thomas and you find your foot shooting forward and you frantically attempt to find a safe spot on the ground, you will probably actually step on James, Percy, Gordon, Trevor, Annie, Clarabel, Duncan, Donald or any of a million slightly different engines and cars.

After that, you will always be able to identify each engine no matter how miniscule the differences. This is partly because you probably bought all too many books, videos, and Thomas-related merchandise, but mostly because their shapes will be permanently imprinted on your skin after you fall.

I'm not saying the Thomas the Tank Engine is a bad thing. I'm just saying that there's no need to use mines in warfare. Just put enough Thomas the Tank Engine merchandise on the ground and your army's position is nearly impregnable.